Many parents and teachers who attend my seminars commented, "Okay, you give a technique to overcome the problem of children is very good. But, I'm not sure I can apply what you have taught "and then asked me" What is this? "," First I do not like kids, next how to communicate to them? '. Obviously this is a problem, but there are quiet ways to understand the child's behavior. But wait first because there are parts that you must understand first.
Many of the parents and teachers ask in their own minds:
- Why does my child does not care about his future?
- Why do they do things that make no sense (teachers and parents)
- Why they will not listen even though have been reminded many times?
- Why my son lets himself be influenced by negative things from friends that are not useful?
Well, the main question: how to understand their behavior and thinking?
The answer is their EMOTIONS. Emotions are masters of their logical thinking of children and adolescents. Teenagers and children are far more driven by their feelings rather than thoughts that are good for them. Knowing this, it is in vain we preach their day's efforts. Bombard their minds with positive advice, make ourselves motivator impromptu in front of them does not work. It makes children grow "annoyed" with our behavior. comments or advice such as: "You must study hard", "do not waste your time playing on", "keep cleanliness in your room", unless we first recognize their feelings.
Under conditions of negative emotions that a child can not receive input and advice decree even though that may change their behavior. Different result if we are able to understand and recognize their emotions first then they will be open and listen to suggestions from our logical. Children and teens will do anything if it makes them feel good or bad in taste or his heart.
Before going any further, we will learn together, how we react in the face of a problem child. Often if there is a problem then there dibenak our heads generally there are 3 ways:
1. Giving Advice, for example: "I had a fight with Agus, at school", our response is generally "what the fuck you this school is not the place to learn to be carpenters fight, only villains of the problem with fighting"
2. Interrogated, eg: "I lost Hp school" our response is generally "you sure it is not you alone who eliminate? Sure you do not forget, try to remember back "
3. Blaming and accusing, eg: "Edo was punished for not doing homework" our response is generally "lazy child basis, starting today you have to be more disciplined and pay attention to school duties".
After seeing the three examples above, there is no space even to acknowledge the child's feelings or emotions, right? Often we only provide input without going to hear what actually happened (more precisely the feeling of what happens to our children). When a child is neglected their emotions will be more angry and resentful. As long as they are in a negative emotional state, all counsels our good intentions will not be ignored, even going on "gubrak".
The best way to understand our children are, acknowledge their emotions (recognize emotions) and give them the strength to find their own solutions to problems. The trick is:
1. Listen to them 100%, flat face or eyes with a look of pity. (Pay attention and recognition)
Sometimes children need only be heard, not the solution. Just give 100% attention we can surprise, kids want to open and willing to share their thoughts and feelings. Just by saying "hmm .. okay, so yeah .. then .. "Although seemingly simple, honest is difficult for us parents who used to want to take the fast track aliases provide solutions and solve problems. As it is we do, children will be shut down and avoid talking to us. Children will only meyatakan honest thoughts and feelings without fear of being judged.
When we allow children to uncover emotions and thoughts freely (while we are there to provide emotional support), we will see that they can find their own solutions to their problems. Another advantage of this approach is that the child will develop the confidence to think for themselves and face the challenges - challenges of life.
For example: "I had a fight with Agus, at school", our response "what happened? Wound must hurt so yah .. oh, okay "
2. Recognizing and portray emotions.
It should be a moment for us to learn the meaning of emotion, because it is important for us to be able to reflect the child's emotions and understand exactly how they feel. With pin down their feelings, it is easy for them to open up and talk about their problems. These are emotions commonly experienced by humans.
Emotion and Meaning Name it:
Angry - Feel the injustice
Guilt - We feel unfair to others
Fear - We expected anticipation because sesuatum untoward could happen
Frustration - Doing something over and over and the results are not as expected means we have to find another way
Disappointed - What does not happen
Sad - Losing something that feels worthwhile
Loneliness - The need meaningful relationships not just friends
Pain is not able to - need to learn something because something can not be done well
Boredom - The need to grow up and get a new challenge
Stress - Something that is too painful and should be stopped
Depression - Something that is too painful and should be stopped
Let us begin with the case, if your child comes to you and says "Joni did not want to play ball with me" what's your answer? "Come play with papa / mama, maen each other, yes or yes it is .. maen alone ". The third answer is the classic answer is fleeting, and it is justified because it is often used. My question was what the emotion behind the words of the child? That's right! DISAPPOINTED, LONELY, well then what about the response? "Hmm .. boy you really want the same maen Joni yes "or" Hmm .. you're lonely, well, want to play it? "and wait for the response, usually the child will talk at length, then the solution should be left to the children, the way" then what can Papa / Mama help for you? Want to play together Papa / Mama? Or is there any other ideas? "Let your child choose the best solution for him. Memorize the above table and use it to communicate with the child, understand seiap case with children.
With co-understand emotions and let the child find a solution the problem itself then the child will feel understood and comfortable. As well as the growing sense of confidence in the environment that appreciates him. And the next one will be easy for the child to open up to parents, and mutual trust between parent and child will be well formed.
Until now, we have learned how to keep children open and believe in us, right? Next how to drive? The way that we have heard and understand the feelings and emotions of children, and ask the best solution according to the child (if the child is able to think for solutions) ask "may I Papa / Mama suggestions?" After permission from the child then give input that you feel is most effective. Sometimes a child's perspective is not the same as parents, we know if a child choose a solution that is less precise (according to parents) with the values, norms prevailing in the social environment we can "lead them" easily because steps 1 and 2 are done. Obviously with polite communication models and respect for children.
Violence gate will open hearts when we accept and understand our child, and children will be invited in and visit us in the deepest heart of hearts. Place that we can put messages, referrals and positive outcome for the good of the child's future.
I understand how this takes time, all the smart solutions to improve the quality of the family takes time. There is such thing as "waiting time" for a particular outcome. The cuisine is tasty and healthy takes time and the kitchen, not a few seconds so. So the quality of what we want for our families?